About Sarah

"For those who know her, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, no explanation would be sufficient" -Simon, from Alvin and the Chipmunks, probably, eh I'm gonna try and give an explanation anyway.

Sarah Sarah Park Park


  • Hails from Short Hills. Short Hills is an unincorporated community and census-designated place (CDP) located within Millburn Township, in Essex County, New Jersey, United States. Originally, the area that would become Short Hills was part of Springfield Township, Union County, New Jersey, and its eponymous hills are thought to have played a role in the movement of the Continental Army under George Washington during the Battle of Springfield. Sarah was not at this battle on account of the battle being in June.
  • Was a Speech and Debater specializing in public forum, this is where you get up in front a group of people (in public, like a park or a national monument) and pitch hot that include but are not limited to people should be able to say things, we have enough food to feed everyone, chairs.
  • Brushes her teeth before going to bed (sometimes multiple times)


  • Sarah hails from a family that has friends with kids that went to Harvard, which means her Cornell education was a major letdown to the Parks, so she had to get a spicy post grad job.
    • The sibs: Sister Sarah is in medical school and brother Sarah is also at Cornell. Every night, brother Sarah reads the words of advice Sarah posted to his bookshelf.
    • The OGs: Mama Sarah has a lovely garden, and every day she fights with the squirrels. Papa Sarah enjoys a prime location in the heart of East Cambridge. This class A office complex located alongside the CambridgeSide Galleria spans across an entire city block, totaling 365,313 square feet, and is conveniently located walking distance from many public transportation outlets.
  • Sarah LOVES her debaters, but especially James(x2)

Important stuff

  • Jia Tolentino has described either Sarah or Ocean Vuong as a 'cool asian doing cool things'
  • Her favorite foods include water, edamame, and salad (without dressing)
  • She adores good sounds and sometimes will listen to the same sounds for days at a time
  • For best results, make sure at least 3-4 senses are stimulated at all times
  • Important words include but are not limited to: egg, wet
  • Although some believe her to not be real at first, she is in fact one of the most genuine and unapologetically Sarah Sarahs there is
  • She might try and get you to do something that scares you, do it.
  • Someone in our apartment has been eating candy from our candy bowl and putting the wrappers back in the bowl
  • She likes a good list


  • 1 year out, Sarah will be returning to the promised land and making her mark on the city. They won't know what hit them.
  • 3 years out, student loans are completely paid off! There is a party.
  • 5 years out, Sarah is doing something beautiful and something good.
  • 10 years out, "I can't believe they pay me to do this shit" - Sarah (she has been saying this for quite some time now)
  • 20 years out, Ellen Degeneres welcomes Sarah onto her show
  • 25 years out, Sarah and Chaska's restaurant continues to thrive, they open up a Vancouver location.
  • 30 years out, the Bear Report has grown into a global news conglomerate, they own the NYT, Conde Nast, and Exxon
  • 40 years out, Sarah and Chaska log onto whatthehecko.com, 'we were good eggs' -Chaska and Sarah